Moving on from an intimate relationship with my partner.
Should we break up? Going through parting ways in romantic relationships.
‘Master your emotions’ is not always the best mantra you can have on your lips when all you think of yourself is the familiar picture of a girl with mascara cried off her eyes in front of a TV with a box of chocolate and a bottle of wine. We are constantly bombarded with pictures of how a healthy relationship looks like, and at the same time, how it should look like when we part ways from “The One” who was going to be there for the rest of our time on this planet. The true sensations of the emotional wheel of love and break up lies deep inside the heart and has nothing to do with what society represents us with.
Or does it?
It can be said that these stereotypes are based on repeated observations of the best movie makers, artists, and writers in the world. True, yet with the power of imagination, it is so easy to razzle-dazzle these images up to a point that they can not be put anywhere close to the reality of the matters. Although these images if taken in deeply can become our new reality, the nature of feelings and relationships stay untouched somewhere deep in our soul, or mind, or psychology; whichever resonates with your broken heart the most.
Have you ever observed a child asking for a toy and crying out forever when they don’t get what they want? Two hours in, and they are eating an ice cream happier than ever. Or in some cases, they even realize that what they wanted so bad two hours ago, does not make their hearts melt anymore. We are those kids. Except, the parent that refuses to get us the toy, is also us. This gives rise to a deep emotional conflict between our inner child, constantly asking for things that it desires, and our inner parent, deciding what the child gets and what is yet to be put on the wait list.
The hard part of heartbreak is that there is no wait list. You are moving to a new paradigm in which your love of life is non-existent, at least, not in the form that you are used to seeing, smelling, hugging, and most probably fucking. Oh yes, the sexual desires (unless you are asexual or have a different path when it goes downstairs) will kick in and they will be solid triggers of reminding you how having that easy-to-get-sex was besides all the other emotional and psychological stuff.
Change is the only constant of the human experience or any experience at all. Change is hard, scary, and uncomfortable; However, it doesn’t have to be. Not seeing someone for the rest of your life, or not in the same light as far as you know, is as big of a change as deciding not to eat meat, use plastic, or smoke cigarettes for the rest of your life. It has a shock factor associated with it. If you tell the kid that they can never ever ever have anything like what they are asking for. You would need a couple therapy sessions to learn how to not inflict pain on children, unfortunately when the kid and the parent are the same person, we sometimes push ourselves too hard in regards to more emotionally delicate matters, like leaving, or letting go of the supposed soulmate.
Don’t try to get your head around it right away.
It is as pointless as explaining the psychology behind toys to one-year-old kids as it is to try to convince yourself to “feel” the right way. Don’t trip over the shock factor. GO for a brisk walk, fix yourself a party size of a pot of spaghetti, listen to your favourite album or take a bath. Trying to think it through will only get you trapped in endless vicious cycles of over-thinking. You sure are going to have the same thoughts popping up several times before you can finally look at it from a different angle. Time is the most potent remedy you have handy for situations like this. Make sure you give yourself a good dose of it.
Break the race of looking for the next lover.
Probably the very scenario that led you to come across someone worth reading this article for will lead you to the next lover, and guess what, you weren’t looking out there when you met someone who you were dreaming of; right? Not that you weren’t “On the market” or “Available” but you weren’t trying to solve a puzzle with the only solution of finding the right person. Give yourself the space you need to find who you are on your own, you will soon notice that the relationship has changed a lot of you, and will remember parts of you that you weren’t noticing as much throughout the relationship. Embrace those parts and feel how you feel as a satisfied and inspired person again. If you didn’t have time for all the things you wanted to do because you were in a relationship, now it’s the time to have a throwback to those and explore all the new ways you can spend your freshly found energy and headspace. The like attracts the like, even if you cannot let go of waiting for the next potential lover, give yourself the investment you need to be the kind of person you would want to date.
Having said that… let’s touch on the cliche of “Love yourself first”
There is a reason proverbs and common expressions exist, THEY WORK. Love yourself first sounds like a Dad advice at the first glimpse. Sometimes having heard something over and over locks us out from understanding its true wisdom. Take the time to really feel this one out and go through a couple honest questions with yourself. Am I really accepting all that I am exactly the way that I am right now? When I look in the mirror what kind of thoughts and talks pass through my head? Am I constantly striving to change something about myself? Why? Can I love myself through this process? If not, How can I take the next step towards loving myself more?
Being in a relationship can keep us in a space of security regarding love. Losing it might as well take this security away. The flirtatious affirmations of a lover are like no other drug when it comes to self-esteem and ultimately health. Being deprived of this gold mine of emotions would leave us helpless with compassion. Once again we have the opportunity to love ourselves, care for ourselves and be our own one and only. That’s why people go through physio-psychological changes after romantic commitments and agreements, having found emotional stability reflected in another person keeps us in a feedback loop, when it is gone, a huge void might be felt that needs to be faced, felt, and filled with self-compassion, self-care, and self-love.
Some do it with their hands, some love fruit, some haven’t held themselves back from getting them toys.
If asexuality is not your case, and you are feeling sad and broken because you are left alone, maybe you are just experiencing a misinterpretation of horniness. Yes, you are possibly just in heat. Once those hormones hit, the roller coaster ride is not so easy to grasp. Self-love includes inducing sexual excitement in yourself and showing up for yourself to meet your erotic needs. There are many scientific paths out there that use the healing energies of self-love and erotic practices to work through deeper emotional stuff, including a harsh breakup. Consider consulting one of these practitioners or finding your own practice in between the sheets. A good orgasm might show your brain that it is not that hard to get some sweet loving juice without that special someone after all. Be it a quick bathroom touch or a long two-hour vanilla candle session, show yourself that you can please yourself, possibly better than anyone out there.
Even if you are not a Buddhist, contemplate impermanence.
Not getting a dog because it is going to die one day deprives you of experiencing those furry cuddles, morning walks, and a sense of unmatchable companionship. Not living because you might die one day means you are already dead. Being in peace with the passing nature of everything helps us make the most out of every period and saying goodbye to it when the time comes, this processing time also prevents probable blockages of the next potentially delicious experience. Understanding the good times and the bad times you had with another human being and being able to let it go will let you come back to a center and potentially launch on your new exciting journey, whereas being hooked up on another person might keep you from experiencing other shiny opportunities out there. Consider taking some time to psychologically expand yourself so that you won’t project the same patterns onto the next person and the next relationship. Let go of the old and open up to a true new.
Journeying through life and being open to all of it might not seem so easy at certain points, yet it is always available at the reach of our fingertips. The rush is not real, take all the time and space you need to emerge as a new spirit with its new set of values, perspectives, and means of expression. Reach out to your friends, and remember, the reason that you can be here on this planet, in this body, is that you are loved. You are the very definition of love!
